Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Project abandoned

Posted in Humour on September 17, 2022| Leave a Comment »

I am sorry to say that I cannot continue any longer with the pinball-chess project. It was working brilliantly and some serious money was going to be pumped into it by investors but there’s a problem which can’t be solved. Everyone knows that pinball and chess are virtually identical, as we’ve said but in pinball you try to get a high score

No matter how hard I tried, this I can’t work with because in chess we win by checkmate and can’t get any high scores. I’ve come as far as I can go. The solution is to keep ramps and flashing lights with extra ball, and the exciting multi-ball option but without a high score in play. You can’t put high scores in chess no matter how hard you try. So that’s it. I am done with this project: it was good while it lasted. I know we all want multi-ball in chess, that’s obvious but I can go no further.

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Was it a dream?

Posted in Humour on August 5, 2022| Leave a Comment »

Early this morning I was drifting off and suddenly had images of chess clubs deep in the Soviet Union where players sit around tables. Then in bursts a bear and mauls a 1. d4 player. It got me thinking.

In modern day Russia, there must be clubs in the countryside where players are mauled by bears more than others but which one is the worst? Is it just 1. d4 players they go for, are they more likely to maul someone playing with the black or white pieces.

Bears aside, which animal attacks chess players the most? Are any famous incidents regarding them?

My money is on dogs being the worst but they are not mentioned in the FIDE rule book, so I don’t know. Do you get extra minutes on clock if you are attacked by an animal during a competitive game…what about insects? Is there a definitive guide listing the animal or insect and the time increments granted for these unwarranted attacks.

FIDE makes chess players feel unsafe. There is no code of conduct regarding creature habits and fending them off. Something should be done about this. For example:

Wasp 25 second increment

Vulture 30 second increment

Sealion 35 second increment

Leopard 2 minute increment

Hippo 5 minute increment

Something like that to get the ball rolling, what do you think? Should I contact FIDE about this? I might not get a reply. It’s just a thought and maybe it was just a dream after all. To some this is all just fantasy, to me it’s humour. No matter what, it’s my life.

Mark. J. McCready

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New approach to Alekhine’s Defence

Posted in Humour on August 3, 2022| Leave a Comment »

More work needed methinks.

https://twitter.com/jeje_do_role_/status/1554282872625840129?s=20&t=4rJFK2QuqjMRghOboBFH7g

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Play chess not lottery

Posted in Humour, My own warped humour, On-line journal on August 1, 2022| Leave a Comment »

Well here we have someone who went and won the lottery. He got the right numbers and got rich out of it but then got himself killed after celebrating.

https://www.77kaoded.com/news/boonchoo-poungmala/2306532

I think we should avoid the lottery and stick to chess. You are less likely to get killed in chess or go on the rampage either.

Stick with chess, that’s my advice. Avoid lotteries, they can’t help your chess and could affect your opening repertoire…possibly?

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Dubious gamesmanship in play there

Posted in Humour, My own warped humour, On-line journal on August 1, 2022| Leave a Comment »

I feel I should post this even though it’s not quite chess related. We can learn from this and apply it to our chess I think.

So, imagine you are at a shrine, and there spirits from the after world contact you. They give you lottery numbers, and so off you go investing time and money on the lottery. But those spirits went and gave you the wrong numbers and made you lose. What would you do then? Would you just forget about it or would you return to the shrine and smash it up? The spirits there gave you the wrong lottery numbers, and so to get revenge, you should smash their shrine up right? Well one guy did and you can read about it here: https://www.77kaoded.com/news/diawkongsin/2318069

This story is very important for our chess development even though playing the lottery is a lot different to playing chess. If we are playing chess and are contacted by spirits, should we trust them and listen to them? They might stitch us up and get us to play bad moves? Okay, its highly unlikely this has ever happened in chess but that shouldn’t stop us from coming up with a plan. If we blunder during a game, should we go and smash a shrine up then? When should we start or stop smashing things up? I think this guy in the story could have been a Grand Master. His logic and calculation skills are right up there.

And so to end, the moral of the story is, to develop further as a chess player we should develop a sixth sense on when it’s okay, or not okay, to smash up a shrine. This is a very important chess skill.

Mark. J. McCready (thinking he is funny again)

11.38 am on Monday August first,

Laksi, BKK

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Chess in the heatwave

Posted in Humour on July 19, 2022| Leave a Comment »

Back in blighty I believe the temperature has soared to 40 C, and we only just had the annual ChessFest in Trafalgar Square.

Playing chess in that heat phroar, well how do you do it? The trick is get yourself a few GM norms and become a Grandmaster as quickly as possible, that way when you play you’ll have lots of fans by the board!

(Now you have to admit, even by my standards, that is a cracking joke is it not?)

Trafalgar Square ChessFest
Fans for hot weather GM chess. King and Queen are on the wrong squares but nevermind. Unsuspecting GM’s might not notice.

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Read Rowson Right

Posted in Humour on July 18, 2022| Leave a Comment »

‘myth buster’It’s uncommon for a Grand master to also be well educated, having a Ph.D. Rowson does though and he writes well too. He’s well worth a read but you do need to read him ‘lento’ as the content is often dense and requires reflection.

Apologies for sliding into ‘myth busting’ mode but one of the attributes given to chess players is that we have a good memory (courtesy of opening theory) but it just isn’t true. Do you know which game does require a good memory, one if fact so vastly superior to chess they are incomparable, well do you? If not then I shall tell you -it’s Scrabble!

Final ‘myth buster‘, it’s not true that all chess players are like myself, incredibly handsome with a stunning physique, tanned with a six-pack and wearing sunglasses, full of charm and charisma too…(oh Mark really!! Maybe you should go to bed! That’s not remotely funny and working out why you think it is…erm no thanks, just drop the attempts at humour before you embarrass yourself further and get to bed pronto…of all the deplorable things to come out with! Really you should be quite ashamed of yourself because you really aren’t funny -ya know!)

Rowson’s most recent publication. He rewrote it 10 times and it’s a little uneven in tone but worth a read nonetheless. Rather inspirational too it must be said.

Mark. J. M

1.35 am, a dark room somewhere…

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Clocking it up

Posted in Humour on June 28, 2022| Leave a Comment »

In each of the last two years I have played over 1000 games on line. Naturally I played brilliantly throughout, except for when I was absolute rubbish or just downright diabolical. The moral of the story is ‘stay online, play online, lose online, go offline’.

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The Simpsons

Posted in Chess, Humour on June 8, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Chess in The Simpsons.

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Forthcoming Publication

Posted in Humour, My own warped humour, Viz inspired material on December 27, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Soon to be hot shit off the press ‘Forgotten Secrets of Very Mysterious Openings’ by M.J.McCready, on the shelves after I recently secured a publisher. As you can tell from the title, it’s very much of the ilk for the genre of chess theory so I should make a tidy sum? Details of the publisher can be found below.

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