Another funny from TrollChess
Archive for the ‘My own warped humour’ Category
Emotionless
Posted in My own warped humour on September 18, 2016| Leave a Comment »
A drunken knight?
Posted in My own warped humour on September 1, 2016| Leave a Comment »
Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess who were…
Posted in My own warped humour, Personal Interest & Experience on August 25, 2016| Leave a Comment »
I’m going back to the hallowed antiquity of spring 2008 in the home counties; it’s a typically quiet Sunday morning, with a cold, light breeze that carries the country air. You told the wife you’re ‘just poppin’ out ta fix the motor’ but you can’t fix it, and without an escape into the country, the emptiness of the afternoon ahead is suddenly overwhelming. Without your wheels you wander off to the ‘the local boozer’, get hammered and stagger home before midday. Did someone put this chess-song on the jukebox down ‘the local boozer’…it doesn’t matter as you’ve congratulated yourself on finding something to do already… .
Credit goes to Justin Horton for reminding me of the Half-Man Half-Biscuit track… .
Creaks, Clicks & Clunks
Posted in Luton Chess Club, My own warped humour, tagged Luton Chess Club on August 25, 2016| Leave a Comment »
Searching for a new home, Luton Chess Club, whilst eagerly awaiting permission from Bedfordshire University to relocate there, have acquired a second option at a venue ‘just outside the town’ I was informed by e-mail. The Bedfordshire Chess Association, keen to know whether Luton Chess Club will participate in the forthcoming season or not has quickly rejected it, stating the following:
‘Dear Luton Chess Club Secretary, Mr I. Adjust,
Regarding your applications to relocate, pictures of the venue alone is insufficient. At the very least, we require a physical address and directions in order to assist visiting teams, and I might add, the proposed second location looks a bit further away than ‘just outside the town’ as you put it -we are not in agreement at all!
Note that travel to a venue is limited to vehicles belonging to team members and does not usually involve spacecraft from third party sources. We are most displeased with the effrontery of your proposal for an, albeit potential, second venue given how incredulously close to collapse the club is. Please reconsider with greater sensibility.
Mr. J. Doube,
Bedfordshire Chess Association.
The images submitted by the Luton Chess Club over its ‘just outside the town’ second option, can be found below.
The first option
The second option
View from the first second option venue
‘Just outside Luton’
An amusing critique
Posted in My own warped humour on August 18, 2016| 2 Comments »
Posted on the English Chess Forum, GM Jan Gustaffson, with a 12 minute clever rant over the recent Sinquefield Cup and modern chess in general, has had us chuckling. Light-hearted and inoffensive, I suspect it is worth a peak… .
The mystery of the gradually disappearing club members
Posted in Luton Chess Club, My own warped humour on August 17, 2016| Leave a Comment »
“The analogy between the artist and the child is that both live in a world of their own making.”
Anias Nin – Diary 1945
Which number comes next in the following sequence? 93, 63, 23, 2 ? Zero perhaps? (if zero is a number that is)
In August 93 Luton Chess club had 63 members, that was 23 years ago and now only 2 members remain active, leaving the club, now without its long-term home, on the verge of collapse.
What has happened to all those disappearing club members? The town itself has increased by more than 30,000 since and is now more ethnically diverse than ever yet the chess club has all but vanished. It is a mystery indeed.
Am I only one who thinks that the club’s chess sets should be sent to a laboratory and tested for flesh-eating bacteria or does anyone have a better theory regarding the gradual disappearance of its members?
Are you at risk?
Lack of interest in Lap Dancers puts the East Anglian Chess Union in ‘hot water’
Posted in My own warped humour on August 1, 2016| Leave a Comment »
Turner Hall, Newmarket, voted as the world’s most exciting and glamorous chess venue for more than a decade now, where the East Anglian Chess Union meet to battle it out over the board may no longer remain its adopted home. Newmarket’s most influential council members are said to be unhappy with the chess teams who, long since accustomed to finding the middle of nowhere, visit their provincial little town only to shun its new-found pride of itself, however meretricious it may be. A disgruntled council member put forward recently that ‘perhaps they find somewhere else to play their stupid little games’, instantly seconded, whence consternation ensued within the EACU thereafter.
When asked why, a senior council member said:
Although we exude a much greater degree of cultural demise than just about any other town in the nation, courtesy of our long history of horse racing and the generations of aristocracy that chose their country retreats with us, from whom we gained such notoriety, we’ve nonetheless drawn in massive investment turning Newmarket into Suffolk’s sleaziest playground; the high street stacked oh-so-high with strip clubs, gentlemen’s clubs, lap dancing clubs, a casino, adult stores aplenty, vastly superior to all others across the nation; where else can you find thousands of second-hand jazz mags that never have pages stuck together in England? There’s loads and loads of boozers for the lads bursting with testosterone…yeah, yeah okay, okay during the day it still carries centuries of lifelessness that only the poets of yesteryear could find value in and the author of this post always found its horror inescapable but when the sun goes down, Newmarket is a den of iniquity that resonates across the county to other really happening places like Stowmarket.
But these bloody chess players are something else. All they ever do is turn up, play their silly little games and go home. They never speak to anyone in the town, do anything or go anywhere. I’ve never come across such a bunch of anti-social buggers before in all my life, the lack of deference to the development of the town is staggering…shocking really, and they’ve been like it for years! What’s the point in them coming here? Just to play chess? There’s a bit more to life than that I can tell you.
The last time I went to that Turner Hall when they were there it was like walking into a funeral or something. All we want is for people to come to Newmarket and enjoy what its got to offer not turn up and then turn their back on the place only to then bugger off home. Our proposals are, if they want to use the Turner Hall in future, then we’ll either increase the fees but give them tickets to one of the many gentlemen’s clubs in and around the town, or in the break they have between their games we’ll get some strippers down there with a few naked mud wrestling shows and the likes.
Punters come here to spend and party now, not play boring board games all day long. Such anti-socialism could give the town a bad image, never mind those 1980’s style packed lunches you see them with. Newmarket is on the up…albeit in the most degenerate manner imaginable, but we just want to see these chess gents to get into the spirit of it all, that’s all. Degeneration and its over-expenditure…or vice-versa is the name of the game in modern day England -forget culture there’s no dosh in that.
The images below are only an indication of what chess players should expect to see in Turner Hall from next season the glittering array of single mums on the dole dancers provided may be of vastly inferior quality, and regretfully, an agreement not to off load us with a bunch of mingers could not be reached after I was informed that they didn’t have much else. When asked for my opinion, being as diplomatic as I could be, I suggested that such a dramatic uncultured development may cause unrest amongst more senior members.
After years of drab county matches, all players may expect the following between breaks during matches at Turner Hall, Newmarket. Home to Suffolk’s greatest ever tourist explosion.
Don’t get too excited now!
Heffalumps take note: nothing to see here.
Is it Hollywood? No. Is it Heaven? No. Is it Newmarket, Suffolk? Yes. Is it (yet) another example of degenerate modern-day England? No comment.
Stowmarket. Another really happening Suffolk town.
Bedfordshire to participate in the forthcoming Olympiad in Baku
Posted in Bedfordshire Chess, My own warped humour on July 28, 2016| Leave a Comment »
My fellow county players, I have some truly fantastic news, the current FIDE President Kirsin Ilyumzhinov has agreed to allow Bedfordshire to participate in the upcoming Olympiad in Baku. Without doubt the most prestigious invitation Bedfordshire has ever received in its long history and one can only imagine the excitement the opportunity will be seized by. Four main players are required and two substitutes. This will be decided at a meeting to be announced shortly, let us hope as playing partners and long term friends it is conducted in a gentlemanly manner and doesn’t descend into an almighty scrum. Bedfordshire’s most senior members will soon be sent all the info including flight details, hotel bookings and so on.
Regarding the current FIDE President, I’ve been calling him all year to try and persuade him to allow Bedfordshire to play in the upcoming Olympiad as well as all future Olympiads. The essential part of the conversation went as follows:
M =Me
K= Kirsin
M ‘Alright, is that Kirsin?’
K ‘Yes, and who is this?’
M ‘It’s Mark.’
K ‘Oh, you again, (long pause) and what are you calling for this time as if I didn’t know?’
M ‘Hmm, well, as I explained in the e-mail I kept sending. The Olympiads these days are an absolute joke. Half the countries that enter aren’t even proper countries, like Aruba, Chinese Taipei, Guernsey, Jersey, and Andorra to name but a few, and in addition some of the countries participating are the most unpleasant places on the planet, like Iraq, Yemen, Nicaragua, to name but a few. Bedfordshire has got much more going for it than that lot so can you let us in or what?’
K ‘Mark, the problem is that Bedfordshire is far too strong to enter the Olympiad and we fear its participation will make a complete mockery of the whole event. It is abundantly clear that every team you play will be beaten 4-0. Under no circumstances whatsoever can I have ex-world champions and hordes of 2700+ players knocking on my office door demanding to know how they have been beaten by an unknown county player. This will cause complete chaos and undermine the entire event which will probably have to be abandoned as a result. It is, of course, the chess world’s worst kept secret that Bedfordshire was far stronger than the Soviet Union in its heyday. Even when Botvinnik’s train briefly stopped in Luton whilst en route to Nottingham in 1936, he confessed it was the only time in his life he was too terrified to play chess after a local gentleman entered his carriage with a chess set in hand, being aware of the fearsome reputation Bedfordshire had across the entire globe. When the offer finally came an hour or so into the journey Botvinnik, more relaxed, insisted that he would only play if given odds of a queen. The gentlemen from Luton obliged but was a well known figure of its thriving chess community and played on board 2 for the Luton ‘Z’ team. Naturally it was not long before Botvinnik resigned.
K ‘Given the abundance of talent you’ve always kept so well hidden to all except us of course, we will give you two choices: the first that your Bedfordshire players agree to play all matches blindfold and that their opponents’ moves are not announced during play to them, no questions concerning play can be asked or will be answered, your team members must simply guess what has been played before making their next move. Alternatively, you deliberately lose all matches against established nations but you can beat all the weak ones that no one cares about. We suggest this second option and expect you will take it.
The FIDE president then continued:
K ‘If Bedfordshire annihilates the entire chess world at the Baku Olympiad it might be annihilated in return…it could be that upon the victorious Bedfordshire team’s return a simultaneous display of atomic bombs may just happen to land on Milton Keynes Chess Club, Bedford Chess Club, Leighton Buzzard Chess Club and Northampton Chess Club, erm, but perhaps not Luton, after all, we don’t want to improve its appearance!
Those players who wish to form a team for Baku please sign up below. In doing so you express agreement with the following statement:
‘If I represent Bedfordshire at the Olympiad I promise not to constantly thrash super Grand masters or wallop ex-world champions with ease. Also, I don’t want to be killed or anything like that so I won’t say anything bad about Azerbaijan or anything nice about Armenia as well. I accept full responsibility for any atomic bombs landing on my chess club as a result of my over-performance at the board and promise to rebuild any chess club entirely obliterated with my own hands as a result. With the greatest of enthusiasm I will sign up below.’
Name?
Club?
Rating?
Colour Preference (if any)?
Ability to deliberately lose to 2800 & 2700 players?
If none, previous experience surviving atomic blastings?
Inside leg measurement?
Hat size?
The air speed velocity of an unladen swallow (African and European)?
Bedfordshire or Baku?
An Atomic Bomb
African or European?
Leighton Buzzard to be stripped of (f) league title
Posted in Bedfordshire Chess, My own warped humour on July 25, 2016| Leave a Comment »
An unnamed member of Bedford Chess Club (possibly an occasional Board 5 player for the A team) has sent pictures to F.I.D.E taken during their 3-2 loss to Leighton Buzzard last season claiming that underhand tactics were used to deliberately put them off and that they should be stripped of their title.
In the first picture, the Bedford players felt unsettled by the appearance of their opponents as well as their behaviour before play began, claiming they were named A. King and A. Queen. Each also mimicked the piece they represented whilst moving round the playing hall, rather than milling around freely, especially around the boards of opposing players in time trouble, which it was claimed, is not how royalty should conduct itself and was ‘bloody annoying’.
Leighton Buzzard A
In the second picture Bedford’s board 5 player said when he approached the board to start the game he couldn’t concentrate properly as his opponent had a handgun on view and at the ready, and gave the impression of being a fugitive, furthermore, when his female sidekick stripped off in front of him, he forgot to press his clock and lost several minutes at the start of the game but added if there were further instances of femme fatales stripping off at the start of play, no further complaints would be lodged.
Leighton Buzzard A strip off
A F.I.D.E official replied stating that clubs who coerce strippers into their gamesmanship will be stripped of their title. Quoting rule 18.1 ‘Er. it’s not cool to muck about during rated games yeah? It’s sort of against the rules’.
Images courtesy of MemoryChess once more.
Luton Chess Club temporarily banned by the English Chess Federation after proposed mobilization accused of being rather idiosyncratic
Posted in Bedfordshire Chess, My own warped humour on July 25, 2016| Leave a Comment »
An email replete with expletives has been sent to the Bedfordshire Chess Association by the English Chess Federation, banning Luton Chess Club from entering the Beds. league next season after its latest mobilization was considered rather idiosyncratic.
Club Secretary Peter Montgomery, at the request of the ECF, sent pictures of recent games and evidence of the clubs recent reform. He explained ‘Well…we were going to mobilize to boring old Milton Keynes but that’s not even in Bedfordshire, so we had a brainwave, we thought why do we need to go and play there? To mobilize all you need is mobiles, let’s just use them instead.’
He then sent pictures of some recent games, which were rejected with the concluding remarks ‘Are you taking the piss? How can that be a club? Never bloody mind how boring Milton Keynes is, just get your backsides over there if you want to be entered for the next season.’ Here are the pictures of the reformed Luton Chess Club which were rejected for their idiosyncrasy.
As per usual, I am indebted to MemoryChess for his fabulous efforts and the endless inspiration they provide.
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A side note on how to read old Tom Sweby's columns
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Not perhaps, but quintessentially, Old Tom Sweby is best thought of as a passionate devotee to the newspapers he wrote for. He was well read and knowledgeable of the Bedfordshire chess scene and well beyond, given that he was the president of the S.C.C.U. once upon a time. He was generally well-respected and rubbed shoulders with many, if not all, of those eminent within British chess circles. It would, however, be a critical mistake to see his column is primary source material entirely. That it is not. You will also find secondary source material quoted too, and the reliability of that is not quite as Tom hoped. Given that he wrote for decades, this is to some degree inevitable, and after all we are all prone to error whether we realize it or not. Thankfully, with regards to old Tom Sweby, they are infrequent and for the most part old Tom continued to document events and developments in the Bedfordshire league from the get go as best he could but, of course, everything lies open to interpretation. Despite this, and generally speaking. this does indeed make him informative and thus worth reading. Dare I say his columns constitute a narrative describing the latest developments, match reports and changing nature of the Beds league...he knew his audience and wrote according. This manifested itself over decades but brevity was always in play courtesy of the restictions imposed by writing a column. Should you wish to read a in instrumental figure of the Beds' league post WW2, you are quite welcome to peruse what has been posted here... . :-) I should, however, point out that as the decades wore on he gradually moved on away from narratives concerning the Bedfordshire league towards affairs both historical and international. The reasons for this are multifarous, old age was a predominante factor presumably, however, the bottom line is with regards to how the Bedfordshire chess scene developed post WW2: old Tom Sweby is your go to guy. He wrote more about chess in Bedforshire than anyone else did but given he was a Lutonian and writing for a Luton newspaper there is both bias and greater coverage of his hometown than the rest of the county.
Gallery
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- I’m either 10 or 11 here
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- 1982, myself versus Brian from Sunderland.
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- At the Thai Junior chess championships. My daughter of course.
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- Pattaya 2011
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- Thai Junior Championships
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- 2008
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- 2011
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- Around 2011
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- 2011
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- Pattaya 2009
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- 2011
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- Kuwait 2008
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- 2012
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- 2012
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- 2011 BKK Chess club
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- 2011
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- 2011 Thai Open
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- 2011 Thai Open
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- 2013 approx
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- Around 2014
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- 2010
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- 2012
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- 2011
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- 2011
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- 2013
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- Around 2011
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- Around 2011
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- 2020
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- 2011
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- 2008
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- 2011
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- 2013 or thereabouts
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- 2010
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