I’m going back to the hallowed antiquity of spring 2008 in the home counties; it’s a typically quiet Sunday morning, with a cold, light breeze that carries the country air. You told the wife you’re ‘just poppin’ out ta fix the motor’ but you can’t fix it, and without an escape into the country, the emptiness of the afternoon ahead is suddenly overwhelming. Without your wheels you wander off to the ‘the local boozer’, get hammered and stagger home before midday. Did someone put this chess-song on the jukebox down ‘the local boozer’…it doesn’t matter as you’ve congratulated yourself on finding something to do already… .
Credit goes to Justin Horton for reminding me of the Half-Man Half-Biscuit track… .
Searching for a new home, Luton Chess Club, whilst eagerly awaiting permission from Bedfordshire University to relocate there, have acquired a second option at a venue ‘just outside the town’ I was informed by e-mail. The Bedfordshire Chess Association, keen to know whether Luton Chess Club will participate in the forthcoming season or not has quickly rejected it, stating the following:
‘Dear Luton Chess Club Secretary, Mr I. Adjust,
Regarding your applications to relocate, pictures of the venue alone is insufficient. At the very least, we require a physical address and directions in order to assist visiting teams, and I might add, the proposed second location looks a bit further away than ‘just outside the town’ as you put it -we are not in agreement at all!
Note that travel to a venue is limited to vehicles belonging to team members and does not usually involve spacecraft from third party sources. We are most displeased with the effrontery of your proposal for an, albeit potential, second venue given how incredulously close to collapse the club is. Please reconsider with greater sensibility.
Mr. J. Doube,
Bedfordshire Chess Association.
The images submitted by the Luton Chess Club over its ‘just outside the town’ second option, can be found below.
Posted on the English Chess Forum, GM Jan Gustaffson, with a 12 minute clever rant over the recent Sinquefield Cup and modern chess in general, has had us chuckling. Light-hearted and inoffensive, I suspect it is worth a peak… .
“The analogy between the artist and the child is that both live in a world of their own making.”
Anias Nin – Diary 1945
Which number comes next in the following sequence? 93, 63, 23, 2 ? Zero perhaps? (if zero is a number that is)
In August 93 Luton Chess club had 63 members, that was 23 years ago and now only 2 members remain active, leaving the club, now without its long-term home, on the verge of collapse.
What has happened to all those disappearing club members? The town itself has increased by more than 30,000 since and is now more ethnically diverse than ever yet the chess club has all but vanished. It is a mystery indeed.
Am I only one who thinks that the club’s chess sets should be sent to a laboratory and tested for flesh-eating bacteria or does anyone have a better theory regarding the gradual disappearance of its members?
Turner Hall, Newmarket, voted as the world’s most exciting and glamorous chess venue for more than a decade now, where the East Anglian Chess Union meet to battle it out over the board may no longer remain its adopted home. Newmarket’s most influential council members are said to be unhappy with the chess teams who, long since accustomed to finding the middle of nowhere, visit their provincial little town only to shun its new-found pride of itself, however meretricious it may be. A disgruntled council member put forward recently that ‘perhaps they find somewhere else to play their stupid little games’, instantly seconded, whence consternation ensued within the EACU thereafter.
When asked why, a senior council member said:
Although we exude a much greater degree of cultural demise than just about any other town in the nation, courtesy of our long history of horse racing and the generations of aristocracy that chose their country retreats with us, from whom we gained such notoriety, we’ve nonetheless drawn in massive investment turning Newmarket into Suffolk’s sleaziest playground; the high street stacked oh-so-high with strip clubs, gentlemen’s clubs, lap dancing clubs, a casino, adult stores aplenty, vastly superior to all others across the nation; where else can you find thousands of second-hand jazz mags that never have pages stuck together in England? There’s loads and loads of boozers for the lads bursting with testosterone…yeah, yeah okay, okay during the day it still carries centuries of lifelessness that only the poets of yesteryear could find value in and the author of this post always found its horror inescapable but when the sun goes down, Newmarket is a den of iniquity that resonates across the county to other really happening places like Stowmarket.
But these bloody chess players are something else. All they ever do is turn up, play their silly little games and go home. They never speak to anyone in the town, do anything or go anywhere. I’ve never come across such a bunch of anti-social buggers before in all my life, the lack of deference to the development of the town is staggering…shocking really, and they’ve been like it for years! What’s the point in them coming here? Just to play chess? There’s a bit more to life than that I can tell you.
The last time I went to that Turner Hall when they were there it was like walking into a funeral or something. All we want is for people to come to Newmarket and enjoy what its got to offer not turn up and then turn their back on the place only to then bugger off home. Our proposals are, if they want to use the Turner Hall in future, then we’ll either increase the fees but give them tickets to one of the many gentlemen’s clubs in and around the town, or in the break they have between their games we’ll get some strippers down there with a few naked mud wrestling shows and the likes.
Punters come here to spend and party now, not play boring board games all day long. Such anti-socialism could give the town a bad image, never mind those 1980’s style packed lunches you see them with. Newmarket is on the up…albeit in the most degenerate manner imaginable, but we just want to see these chess gents to get into the spirit of it all, that’s all. Degeneration and its over-expenditure…or vice-versa is the name of the game in modern day England -forget culture there’s no dosh in that.
The images below are only an indication of what chess players should expect to see in Turner Hall from next season the glittering array of single mums on the dole dancers provided may be of vastly inferior quality, and regretfully, an agreement not to off load us with a bunch of mingers could not be reached after I was informed that they didn’t have much else. When asked for my opinion, being as diplomatic as I could be, I suggested that such a dramatic uncultured development may cause unrest amongst more senior members.
After years of drab county matches, all players may expect the following between breaks during matches at Turner Hall, Newmarket. Home to Suffolk’s greatest ever tourist explosion.
Don’t get too excited now!
Heffalumps take note: nothing to see here.
Is it Hollywood? No. Is it Heaven? No. Is it Newmarket, Suffolk? Yes. Is it (yet) another example of degenerate modern-day England? No comment.
Stowmarket. Another really happening Suffolk town.
My fellow county players, I have some truly fantastic news, the current FIDE President Kirsin Ilyumzhinov has agreed to allow Bedfordshire to participate in the upcoming Olympiad in Baku. Without doubt the most prestigious invitation Bedfordshire has ever received in its long history and one can only imagine the excitement the opportunity will be seized by. Four main players are required and two substitutes. This will be decided at a meeting to be announced shortly, let us hope as playing partners and long term friends it is conducted in a gentlemanly manner and doesn’t descend into an almighty scrum. Bedfordshire’s most senior members will soon be sent all the info including flight details, hotel bookings and so on.
Regarding the current FIDE President, I’ve been calling him all year to try and persuade him to allow Bedfordshire to play in the upcoming Olympiad as well as all future Olympiads. The essential part of the conversation went as follows:
M =Me
K= Kirsin
M ‘Alright, is that Kirsin?’
K ‘Yes, and who is this?’
M ‘It’s Mark.’
K ‘Oh, you again, (long pause) and what are you calling for this time as if I didn’t know?’
M ‘Hmm, well, as I explained in the e-mail I kept sending. The Olympiads these days are an absolute joke. Half the countries that enter aren’t even proper countries, like Aruba, Chinese Taipei, Guernsey, Jersey, and Andorra to name but a few, and in addition some of the countries participating are the most unpleasant places on the planet, like Iraq, Yemen, Nicaragua, to name but a few. Bedfordshire has got much more going for it than that lot so can you let us in or what?’
K ‘Mark, the problem is that Bedfordshire is far too strong to enter the Olympiad and we fear its participation will make a complete mockery of the whole event. It is abundantly clear that every team you play will be beaten 4-0. Under no circumstances whatsoever can I have ex-world champions and hordes of 2700+ players knocking on my office door demanding to know how they have been beaten by an unknown county player. This will cause complete chaos and undermine the entire event which will probably have to be abandoned as a result. It is, of course, the chess world’s worst kept secret that Bedfordshire was far stronger than the Soviet Union in its heyday. Even when Botvinnik’s train briefly stopped in Luton whilst en route to Nottingham in 1936, he confessed it was the only time in his life he was too terrified to play chess after a local gentleman entered his carriage with a chess set in hand, being aware of the fearsome reputation Bedfordshire had across the entire globe. When the offer finally came an hour or so into the journey Botvinnik, more relaxed, insisted that he would only play if given odds of a queen. The gentlemen from Luton obliged but was a well known figure of its thriving chess community and played on board 2 for the Luton ‘Z’ team. Naturally it was not long before Botvinnik resigned.
K ‘Given the abundance of talent you’ve always kept so well hidden to all except us of course, we will give you two choices: the first that your Bedfordshire players agree to play all matches blindfold and that their opponents’ moves are not announced during play to them, no questions concerning play can be asked or will be answered, your team members must simply guess what has been played before making their next move. Alternatively, you deliberately lose all matches against established nations but you can beat all the weak ones that no one cares about. We suggest this second option and expect you will take it.
The FIDE president then continued:
K ‘If Bedfordshire annihilates the entire chess world at the Baku Olympiad it might be annihilated in return…it could be that upon the victorious Bedfordshire team’s return a simultaneous display of atomic bombs may just happen to land on Milton Keynes Chess Club, Bedford Chess Club, Leighton Buzzard Chess Club and Northampton Chess Club, erm, but perhaps not Luton, after all, we don’t want to improve its appearance!
Those players who wish to form a team for Baku please sign up below. In doing so you express agreement with the following statement:
‘If I represent Bedfordshire at the Olympiad I promise not to constantly thrash super Grand masters or wallop ex-world champions with ease. Also, I don’t want to be killed or anything like that so I won’t say anything bad about Azerbaijan or anything nice about Armenia as well. I accept full responsibility for any atomic bombs landing on my chess club as a result of my over-performance at the board and promise to rebuild any chess club entirely obliterated with my own hands as a result. With the greatest of enthusiasm I will sign up below.’
Name?
Club?
Rating?
Colour Preference (if any)?
Ability to deliberately lose to 2800 & 2700 players?
If none, previous experience surviving atomic blastings?
Inside leg measurement?
Hat size?
The air speed velocity of an unladen swallow (African and European)?
An unnamed member of Bedford Chess Club (possibly an occasional Board 5 player for the A team) has sent pictures to F.I.D.E taken during their 3-2 loss to Leighton Buzzard last season claiming that underhand tactics were used to deliberately put them off and that they should be stripped of their title.
In the first picture, the Bedford players felt unsettled by the appearance of their opponents as well as their behaviour before play began, claiming they were named A. King and A. Queen. Each also mimicked the piece they represented whilst moving round the playing hall, rather than milling around freely, especially around the boards of opposing players in time trouble, which it was claimed, is not how royalty should conduct itself and was ‘bloody annoying’.
Leighton Buzzard A
In the second picture Bedford’s board 5 player said when he approached the board to start the game he couldn’t concentrate properly as his opponent had a handgun on view and at the ready, and gave the impression of being a fugitive, furthermore, when his female sidekick stripped off in front of him, he forgot to press his clock and lost several minutes at the start of the game but added if there were further instances of femme fatales stripping off at the start of play, no further complaints would be lodged.
Leighton Buzzard A strip off
A F.I.D.E official replied stating that clubs who coerce strippers into their gamesmanship will be stripped of their title. Quoting rule 18.1 ‘Er. it’s not cool to muck about during rated games yeah? It’s sort of against the rules’.
An email replete with expletives has been sent to the Bedfordshire Chess Association by the English Chess Federation, banning Luton Chess Club from entering the Beds. league next season after its latest mobilization was considered rather idiosyncratic.
Club Secretary Peter Montgomery, at the request of the ECF, sent pictures of recent games and evidence of the clubs recent reform. He explained ‘Well…we were going to mobilize to boring old Milton Keynes but that’s not even in Bedfordshire, so we had a brainwave, we thought why do we need to go and play there? To mobilize all you need is mobiles, let’s just use them instead.’
He then sent pictures of some recent games, which were rejected with the concluding remarks ‘Are you taking the piss? How can that be a club? Never bloody mind how boring Milton Keynes is, just get your backsides over there if you want to be entered for the next season.’ Here are the pictures of the reformed Luton Chess Club which were rejected for their idiosyncrasy.
As per usual, I am indebted to MemoryChess for his fabulous efforts and the endless inspiration they provide.
Key figures from the Sierra Leone Chess Federation have sent emails stating they want to arrange a match with Bedfordshire in Freetown, their capital as part of their preparation for the upcoming Olympiad. ‘We are no muppets’ -as you English like to say- we recently trounced Timbuktu 14-2 in a televised match so be prepared ‘even though they (Timbuktu) defaulted on 14 boards we would have won anyway’.
‘We’ll put you English gentlemen up at a top hotel; it had running water about 10 years ago, but occasionally we still have electricity. There’s a TV with all locals channels to watch in the lobby, the blood and bullet holes from those slaughtered in the courtyard during the civil war was cleaned up long ago, nothing to see there now. We’ll pay for your flight from Heathrow direct to Freetown via Nairobi, Cape Town, Cairo, Dubai, Ougadouga, Kinshasa, Casablanca, Timbuktu, Algiers, Mogadishu and Tripoli before arriving at Freetown. We hope you can accept the 17 hour stopover in Kinshasa and the 3 day wait in Ougadouga and the one month wait in Tripoli for your visas.
Please be patient and accept that in Africa it is not uncommon to find farmyard animals such as goats on board, we hope this will not spoil your flight in anyway. We shall be requesting another 16-man match but we insist those interested must provide proof of their rating and that they can handle a machine gun, which will be provided upon disembarkation of the aircraft by our great leader who will escort you to your hotel in an armored convoy. We must remind you the machine gun is not for use on your opponent, it is there so when you leave the playing hall you can engage in combat with those who target Westerners with confidence, should this be necesssary.
Our advice is, when you exit the playing hall -to chat about openings as you English like to -do not wander out casually one by one, you must burst out collectively as a team with all guns blazing, that will scare everyone off, only then should you enter into the latest novelties in the Ruy Lopez for example. Hopefully your concentration will not be broken by too much gunfire during the match. The army will be there to help eliminate anyone you may happen to miss.
Those interested may sign up below
The Kalashnikov. For those who don’t know that’s 1.e4 c5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. d4 ed 4. Nxd4 e5. Note that 4. …Nf6 is the Sveshnikov. I’m not sure why but most Sveshinikov players say the Kalashnikov has a major drawback. However for those participating, the Kalashnikov is an appropriate choice.
With England in the midst of yet another decade of poor governance and cultural degradation, its putrified neo-liberalism and crumbling capitalist architecture have fostered new levels of poverty, an increasingly narrowed middle-class, a surreptitious and multitudinous erosion of civil liberties and an unvoiced -often- immigrant minority living in more than 10 people per room sometimes and dependent upon communal meals made from Tesco’s leftovers after which our travelers of the twilight, must steal, beg and break into properties in an attempt to survive starvation, inflicting yet more misery on the British public and their apathetic police force. The 2-3 million Brits also on the poverty line, crave a slow death from decades of drinking into oblivion with their minds destroyed by drug use and dodgy soap operas.
With the democratic decision to leave the EU, those who uphold power within the UK are already trying to challenge and overturn the decision instead of respect our democracy -that being the heavily trampled on will of the people. Politicians always act out of self-interest, that’s why they become politicians in the first place. No matter how dressed up with rehashed rhetoric their artless speeches are, they can still influence that 1% who uphold the power of a nation who may or may not want to leave the EU: ‘we, must get the backhanders we are accustomed to, I didn’t shove my tongue up dozen or more backsides for nothing you know, I want what I worked for’.
Britain slides further backwards led astray by another generation of politicians where their career has such greater precedence than the plight of their nation, that the systematically depoliticized generations awash within the cities are defeated and despondent. The Freudian slip in the video below reveals what matters more to Cameron, being part of a machine that manufactures hundreds more like him whose priorities are no different.
The New Teams, their premises and, er, some words of caution
A public toilet in Stockwood Park Luton infamous for dogging, HIV, transvestites and numerous stabbings in the nineties has submitted a team for next season’s play asking if they could play on the grass outside the public lavatory rather than inside (as it’s a bit smelly).
A bunch of Bedford bell-ringers from St. Paul’s Cathedral have also expressed an interest, stating that matches could take place in the bell tower itself and that opposing teams would not need more than a decade or two to get used to the infuriating racket. Being a satanist in my youth, I suggest you refuse them entry to the league then burn down their stupid little Cathedral.
Some tramps usually seen loitering around Houghton Regis have expressed an interest if super-strong cider is provided during play on behalf of the club and shooting up in the bogs is not prohibited. Home matches would be played in tents shared by heroin addicts, where only some might be lying dead -but they’d only just be dead, or on the verge of dumps or by open fires where the outcasts of their chosen sub-culture smoulder between logs ablaze after a drunken back magic curse backfired, or perhaps by stolen cars set on fire in the middle of nowhere. One of the aforementioned tramps knows how to move ‘the horsey one’ as he put it, as well as ‘the prawns‘, he also knows that the bishop moves ‘slantyways’ but knows it can’t overtake other bits or become a crown or doesn’t get 200 pounds for passing go but must go scrumping up apple trees when they bear fruit to become promoted to a queen. He will play on board one if he is still alive by then… .
The EDL, have also submitted a team and have vowed to play only the English Opening with white or the St. George’s Defence with black. A spokesman has said:
Tell your boys we got a proper firm. We can handle ourselves over the board. We ain’t muppets. No one ever won me in play, I’ll win everyone, you’ll see. I play the prawns and make them into a mob where they march down the board, just like when we do when we are on tv. I like the prawns cos they is skinheads, so they look like us init.
When you come to our gaff its only English allowed. We got a bar. Visiting teams order just before the clocks are pressed, It’s 2 quid a pint and its 25 pints per order, so that’s 3 pints per player, er wait no 89…er no 5… yeah 5 pints per player and you gotta finish them in the first fifteen moves or we get an extra prawn on each board. Any Watford gets glassed coming in, then crushed by an 80’s fruit machine leaving. We’re the new firm, we got the thousands you lot ain’t got, you play by our rules or we march through every town in the country with thousands of skin heads dressed up as prawns upholding hundreds of banners exposing the flaws in your top boys opening repertoire as well as their worst ever blunders. Now you don’t want that do you? So just play ball and you’ll be alright. We’re not trouble makers, we’re just frustrated because the Hatters were treated like rubbish by the FA and we had no one to fight when we went into the conference…you can’t go though the weekend in Luton not scrapping with strangers in the streets -you’d go crazy in no time.
We’re supposedly against the Islamic invasion of England but don’t think we can’t be riled by months of foreign openings being played against us and reform into the ECDL (English Chess Defence League). Nuff said.
Lastly, several renowned clubs from Marseilles have also applied. After disagreements with the French Chess Federation they feel a move to the Bedfordshire league is the logical thing to do. They will continue to operate from the same premises but have promised detailed maps for visiting teams, stating that its not much further than Northampton for most clubs and is a much nicer drive anyway. If their inclusion is a success a sister club in the Cote d’Ivoire will be encouraged to join the following year.
…on what this site initially became…on what this site is now becoming…on what this site cannot become…
On what this site initially became…
…once upon a time, the chess-related musings of an adrift academic were bound playfully and electronically in this online journal of sorts. They grew and grew as the decade did too. I kept on because I love to write whether I had much to say or not; therefore, being read by others was usually of little or no importance, comparatively speaking. Content was based on personal thoughts and experience on various topics with no intended audience borne in mind. With topics broadening, my own take on things always shaped the narrative I constructed: I often thought I was insightful but never that I was right. Sometimes imagination gave rise to originality: and of that I have always remained proud. I often introduced humour, believing that I am funnier than I really am. Sometimes, I found my own style antithetical to the conservatism I believe chess is plagued by -oftentimes that has put a gracious smile on my face… .
On what this site is now becoming…
…this site is now becoming a collaboration of chess in Bedfordshire: much more so of the past than the present -that has become the dominant trend. I document the history of chess in Bedfordshire as much as I can, and as time has passed I have become more thorough and resourceful. However, I am not a trained historian as my background lies principally in philosophy but yes it is true I did study some modules on history as both an undergraduate and a post-graduate too; furthermore, I have trained myself up, particularly in terms of postmodern history. Since 2015, I have only read history and historiography as well as those philosophers who have been so influential on postmodern history, such as Nietzsche (whom I once wrote a 19,000 word dissertation on, entitled: Can the Will to Power be Found in The Birth of Tragedy?), also Richard Rorty and Foucault and I suppose certain structualists such as Claude Levi-Strauss too. Regarding postmodernism, mostly I keep to Hayden White, Keith Jenkins and Alan Muslow.
Some friends and former playing partners back home describe me as the ‘go to guy’ for the history of chess in Bedfordshire. This compliment says more about the lack of interest in the subject than my own endeavour. As mentioned, I am too adrift from academia to feel chuffed by it. Rather, I tend to lament that my historical research, like my chess, just isn’t what it should be. Even though I may well have a broad understanding of Bedfordshire chess history courtesy of the volume of research put into it, all of which began in 2014, this is not something I am particularly proud of. Nonetheless, out of courtesy compliments are graciously received. If the truth be told, I just see it as my job and only that – after all someone’s got to do it and no one else is that interested!
Amongst the many others, I have created three categories: ‘Bedfordshire Chess’ and ‘History of Bedfordshire Chess’ and ‘Luton Chess Club’. This website is slowly moving towards a consolidation of those (all of which can be found in one of the toolbars to the right).
On what this site cannot become…
…I like to be both creative and amusing when I can be, factor in that playfulness has been an ever-present factor, the content of this site should be thought of as multifarious. It could be said I continue to enjoy undermining the conservatism I believe chess is underpinned by even after all these years, and often try to use humour to do it still, believing I have got better at it. Consequently, despite the general direction its going in, this site cannot only be about Chess in Bedfordshire and nor will it be. It may become noted for that yes -in fact that’s been the case for years already even by established historians, archivists, and whoever else. External factors aside, this site is titled McCreadyandChess. I cannot, nor will I not, remove my own personal thoughts and experiences of chess from the posts of this site -especially if I think they are funny or original for they constitute my writing at its very, very best. In addition, the number of categories alone tells you that breadth of content is important to me. I am proud of my site, it is identity conferring and that is how it shall stay -end of story. All you really have are: ‘Some thoughts on the beautiful game’, which, incidentally, just happen to be my very own; nothing more, nothing less, take of it whatever you please… .
A side note on how to read old Tom Sweby's columns
Not perhaps, but quintessentially, Old Tom Sweby is best thought of as a passionate devotee to the newspapers he wrote for. He was well read and knowledgeable of the Bedfordshire chess scene and well beyond, given that he was the president of the S.C.C.U. once upon a time. He was generally well-respected and rubbed shoulders with many, if not all, of those eminent within British chess circles. It would, however, be a critical mistake to see his column is primary source material entirely. That it is not. You will also find secondary source material quoted too, and the reliability of that is not quite as Tom hoped. Given that he wrote for decades, this is to some degree inevitable, and after all we are all prone to error whether we realize it or not. Thankfully, with regards to old Tom Sweby, they are infrequent and for the most part old Tom continued to document events and developments in the Bedfordshire league from the get go as best he could but, of course, everything lies open to interpretation. Despite this, and generally speaking. this does indeed make him informative and thus worth reading. Dare I say his columns constitute a narrative describing the latest developments, match reports and changing nature of the Beds league...he knew his audience and wrote according. This manifested itself over decades but brevity was always in play courtesy of the restictions imposed by writing a column. Should you wish to read a in instrumental figure of the Beds' league post WW2, you are quite welcome to peruse what has been posted here... . :-) I should, however, point out that as the decades wore on he gradually moved on away from narratives concerning the Bedfordshire league towards affairs both historical and international. The reasons for this are multifarous, old age was a predominante factor presumably, however, the bottom line is with regards to how the Bedfordshire chess scene developed post WW2: old Tom Sweby is your go to guy. He wrote more about chess in Bedforshire than anyone else did but given he was a Lutonian and writing for a Luton newspaper there is both bias and greater coverage of his hometown than the rest of the county.
Gallery
I’m either 10 or 11 here
1982, myself versus Brian from Sunderland.
At the Thai Junior chess championships. My daughter of course.
Pattaya 2011
2011
Thai Junior Championships
2008
2011
Around 2011
2011
Pattaya 2009
2011
Kuwait 2008
2012
2012
2011 BKK Chess club
2011
2011 Thai Open
2011 Thai Open
2013 approx
Around 2014
2010
2012
Around 2011
2011
2011
2013
Around 2011
Around 2011
2020
2011
2008
2011
2013 or thereabouts
2010
2017
2014?
2010
2024
2024
2024
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