If you know of any females playing chess over there, please provide the following info + picture:
Age:
Elo rating:
Telephone number:
Club she plays for:
Favourite openings:
Disclaimer: this picture was taken when I was at my handsomest. I am not so handsome now, a bit fat, and into Nihilism too much.
Supporting statement: I’ve been away from England in hope of finding a partner good at chess like me for some time but ran aground with those blasted foreign types! I am now waiting for the right moment to set sail and make blighty my home again for the right chess player -this is not some last ditch attempt!
Testimony from ex-girlfriend: He can be a good laugh sometimes, and I suppose he is alright, but he gets drunk a lot and when he does he just goes on and on about chess all the time -you can’t shut him up! It did my head in, so I booted him out. Loads of women have, so I’m not surprised he’s after someone who’s more into chess than me now -I don’t think anyone else could put up with him! He woke me up in the middle of the night completely off his head once. Then put loud heavy metal music on and asked if I wanted to play some bullet chess! But when sober, I suppose he is alright yeah -he’s just kinda a bit lost! With the right woman he’d probably be alright tbh.
Testimony from English chess player: Mark would make a good husband if he found the right chess player, and he does need to go home yes. His main weakness is he always panics because he thinks his time is running out, grabs hold of whatever he can, then messes everything up. The same is true of his chess -that’s just him. His heart is in the right place but his head is messed up. Whenever you go round his to play chess he always puts mad music on and gets plastered. Many girls he’s been with didn’t like that, it drove some of them up the wall because he goes berserk sometimes! He never causes anyone any harm though. He’d probably be a good catch if he stopped playing that mad music all the time! Other than that, yes he’s a decent enough fellow.
Recent Opponent: Mark is a very polite English guy and a good chess player but at the tournament we played in, he kept listening to music and went all crazy. It scared some of the people playing and even me. He’s completely normal at the table when he plays but when he goes outside whilst waiting for you to move, he always plays music and acts all crazy. It’s like a bomb’s gone off in his head or something! He asked me if I knew of any girls that played chess. I actually know one who does and who likes him. She thinks he’s dead funny. She also said when he puts music on, it’s like a bomb gone off in his head. She likes how he tries to get his opponents drunk. He tried that with me too but I said no.
Former Landlord: He is a good guy but I had to ask him to find somewhere else. What on earth happens to him when he listens to that music of his I don’t know -I’ve never seen or heard anything like it! He be like a Jekyll and Hyde character. He’d sit in his room studying chess all day and not make a peep, then suddenly you’d get the most dreadful music I’ve ever heard played full blast for hours and he’d go mental -trying to fly around the room and jump all over the place -all this throwing his head about stuff, falling over furniture and smashing bottles of cider against the walls! When he turn it off, he be alright again and go back to studying the chess. It put the fear of god into the neighbours downstairs, so we had to ask him to find somewhere else. I heard he’s looking for an English chess player to settle down with yeah. I think he’d be alright but she’d have to tell him not to play that music of his.
Remarks by McCready: yes okay, I’m not saying any of that isn’t true but all of this stuff happened whilst abroad. Like they say ‘What happens on tour stays on tour’. I’m talking about returning home and living my life out with an English woman who is well into her chess like me -it’s not the same. Things would be different. I would stop listening to music. I would not drink alcohol anymore either. I would stop chasing women as well. All that would be a thing of the past.
Response by Webmaster: we have received numerous complaints about this post already and have removed naughty photographs of Mr. McCready as they violate the terms of our policy.
Former Bangkok chess club member: Hello, my name is Patrick, and I was the pianist for the Bangkok Philharmonic Orchestra when I lived in Thailand. When Bangkok Chess Club was based at the Roadhouse Bar about 10 years ago, there was a jukebox you could use. Mark always made it play mad music that annoyed everyone. One band was called Alice in Chains, they were a grunge band he said. But he didn’t just play one song, it was always lots of them. It was absolute rubbish. We asked the owner to turn it off once. I don’t think it’s a good idea for English women to marry him unless they have some good earplugs -dreadful.
Luton Chess Club Member: Hello, I am Mr. Mirza a member of Luton chess club. I used to drive Mark to county matches in the 90s before he left England and became a ladies man. He always talked about music in my car and made me play some once -Danzig it was called. It was mad stuff and nearly caused me to crash my car, so I turned it off. Mark, though, is not the only one to play chess for Luton who liked mad music. There was another called Nick something who did, he liked The Sparks. Another called Paul something, he liked the same sort of stuff as Mark, and John something also, he used to go dancing in the woods at night -it’s more of a Luton thing than a Mark thing I would say. We don’t think we could help Mark find a suitable partner. He always used to say Philosophy graduates were the best not chess players, then it was heavy metal maidens, then rock chicks, then punk rockers, then goth girls. What will it be next I wonder -what a ladies man!
(note to self: stop bloody reading about Pathos in Rhetoric by Aristotle before you come up with these memes of yours!)
M J M
