Archive for the ‘My own warped humour’ Category

Chess -a cracking game!

Posted in Chess, My own warped humour on December 12, 2025| Leave a Comment »

Cracking game in play here chaps, black’s position is jolly good but it is white to move, any suggestions?

M J M

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My meme 16

Posted in Meme, My own warped humour on October 2, 2025| Leave a Comment »

If you know of any females playing chess over there, please provide the following info + picture:

Age:

Elo rating:

Telephone number:

Club she plays for:

Favourite openings:

Disclaimer: this picture was taken when I was at my handsomest. I am not so handsome now, a bit fat, and into Nihilism too much.

Supporting statement: I’ve been away from England in hope of finding a partner good at chess like me for some time but ran aground with those blasted foreign types! I am now waiting for the right moment to set sail and make blighty my home again for the right chess player -this is not some last ditch attempt!

Testimony from ex-girlfriend: He can be a good laugh sometimes, and I suppose he is alright, but he gets drunk a lot and when he does he just goes on and on about chess all the time -you can’t shut him up! It did my head in, so I booted him out. Loads of women have, so I’m not surprised he’s after someone who’s more into chess than me now -I don’t think anyone else could put up with him! He woke me up in the middle of the night completely off his head once. Then put loud heavy metal music on and asked if I wanted to play some bullet chess! But when sober, I suppose he is alright yeah -he’s just kinda a bit lost! With the right woman he’d probably be alright tbh.

Testimony from English chess player: Mark would make a good husband if he found the right chess player, and he does need to go home yes. His main weakness is he always panics because he thinks his time is running out, grabs hold of whatever he can, then messes everything up. The same is true of his chess -that’s just him. His heart is in the right place but his head is messed up. Whenever you go round his to play chess he always puts mad music on and gets plastered. Many girls he’s been with didn’t like that, it drove some of them up the wall because he goes berserk sometimes! He never causes anyone any harm though. He’d probably be a good catch if he stopped playing that mad music all the time! Other than that, yes he’s a decent enough fellow.

Recent Opponent: Mark is a very polite English guy and a good chess player but at the tournament we played in, he kept listening to music and went all crazy. It scared some of the people playing and even me. He’s completely normal at the table when he plays but when he goes outside whilst waiting for you to move, he always plays music and acts all crazy. It’s like a bomb’s gone off in his head or something! He asked me if I knew of any girls that played chess. I actually know one who does and who likes him. She thinks he’s dead funny. She also said when he puts music on, it’s like a bomb gone off in his head. She likes how he tries to get his opponents drunk. He tried that with me too but I said no.

Former Landlord: He is a good guy but I had to ask him to find somewhere else. What on earth happens to him when he listens to that music of his I don’t know -I’ve never seen or heard anything like it! He be like a Jekyll and Hyde character. He’d sit in his room studying chess all day and not make a peep, then suddenly you’d get the most dreadful music I’ve ever heard played full blast for hours and he’d go mental -trying to fly around the room and jump all over the place -all this throwing his head about stuff, falling over furniture and smashing bottles of cider against the walls! When he turn it off, he be alright again and go back to studying the chess. It put the fear of god into the neighbours downstairs, so we had to ask him to find somewhere else. I heard he’s looking for an English chess player to settle down with yeah. I think he’d be alright but she’d have to tell him not to play that music of his.

Final remarks by McCready: yes okay, I’m not saying any of that isn’t true but all of this stuff happened whilst abroad. Like they say ‘What happens on tour stays on tour’. I’m talking about returning home and living my life out with an English woman who is well into her chess like me -it’s not the same. Things would be different. I would stop listening to music. I would not drink alcohol anymore either. I would stop chasing women as well. All that would be a thing of the past.

Response by Webmaster: we have received numerous complaints about this post already and have removed naughty photographs of Mr. McCready as they violate the terms of our policy.

Former Bangkok chess club member: Hello, my name is Patrick, and I was the pianist for the Bangkok Philharmonic Orchestra when I lived in Thailand. When Bangkok Chess Club was based at the Roadhouse Bar about 10 years ago, there was a jukebox you could use. Mark always made it play mad music that annoyed everyone. One band was called Alice in Chains, they were a grunge band he said. But he didn’t just play one song, it was always lots of them. It was absolute rubbish. We asked the owner to turn it off once. I don’t think it’s a good idea for English women to marry him unless they have some good earplugs -dreadful.

Luton Chess Club Member: Hello, I am Mr. Mirza a member of Luton chess club. I used to drive Mark to county matches in the 90s before he left England and became a ladies man. He always talked about music in my car and made me play some once -Danzig it was called. It was mad stuff and nearly caused me to crash my car, so I turned it off. Mark, though, is not the only one to play chess for Luton who liked mad music. There was another called Nick something who did, he liked The Sparks. Another called Paul something, he liked the same sort of stuff as Mark, and John something also, he used to go dancing in the woods at night -it’s more of a Luton thing than a Mark thing I would say. We don’t think we could help Mark find a suitable partner. He always used to say Philosophy graduates were the best not chess players, then it was heavy metal maidens, then rock chicks, then goth girls. What will it be next I wonder -what a ladies man!

(note to self: stop bloody reading about Pathos in Rhetoric by Aristotle before you come up with these memes of yours!)

M J M

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A game that could cause your phone or computer to blow up

Posted in Chess, Humour, My own warped humour, Selected on-line games on July 2, 2025| Leave a Comment »

DISCLAIMER: as insomniac author of this post, I take no responsibility for any electronic device, laptop or PC blown up by running the game linked below through an engine you have installed.

DATED:

July 2nd 2025

SIGNED:

Look at this position:

White to play. Try for four queens?

It comes from this game https://www.chessgames.com/perl/chessgame?gid=1064810&kpage=3

The question is not who stands better but what will happen if I run it through an engine -I’m not doing it, I wouldn’t dare.

Marcus -Colombia

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The forging of integrity

Posted in Bedfordshire Chess, My own warped humour, On-line journal, Personal Interest & Experience on December 25, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Most in our modern world are unflective and uncritical of their own lives, satisified enough to stay within their own comfort zone and keep it that way. Much more interested in playing with their phone than making an effort to define who they are. Similarly most chess players can only be described as being exempt from the same criticisms if you are taking the piss. It’s the norm that chess players cannot offer rationally informed opinions as to why they play chess. Most will say they just like it, some will say they love chess, many will admit its just a hobby they’ve kept going. If you were to ask how do you develop meaning from chess and how does that bring value in what you do. This is not a question likely to be answered comprehensively by club and county players. This can only be answered purposely by referring efforts aimed towards improvement, the principle selling factor of chess literature. You may be told how they read a book to improve their game. That’s usually about the limits of the efforts for most club/county players who are generally uncommital.

This is partly because they are unaware that improvement itself is multifarious, and sadly that they tend to be poorly educated and adopt an uncritical approach to life itself and all it throws at you. Even Grandmasters, the best chess players on offer, are predomonantly poorly educated most have little or no ability to publish their achievements and are almost completely oblivious to standard literary and academic conventions, hence the reason why as a genre chess literature is decadent and something we should all be ashamed of.

I omce wrote an ambitious dissertation whilst finishing an MA where I had to reinterpret a seminal text and trace unformulated fragements of a concept which was much later developed further in a text towards the end of the authors unappreicated career. I happily went into overdrive with that, accompanied by persistence which pushed me on always. After 18 months research skills that still surprise me to this day, I was commended by several Ph.d students for how beautiful my writing was, told by my professor the amount of work put in made it very useful and insisted it be placed in the library so that undergraduates could benefit from the deeply informative contextualization that shaped it, I got a commendation too but was very glad to see the back of it. I began by readering the seminal text 11 times on the bounce and although this enabled me to understand how it was written and how certain chapters were really only consoldated lecture notes, I fell very much out of love with that text, always certain it’s been given far too much important and am unable to go near it ever again. It’s main criticism is that it’s overwritten, I would say its a complete fucking joke he should be thoroughly ashamed of, as should every person on this planet was stupid enough to read the fucking thing.

This and the numerous meetings I had with my professor, not to mention the defence of it I had to give of it to the entire department that afternoon fashioned and forged a critical mindset, which emerged as an undergraduate, since I came second in the entire year, scoreing 67.4 and only missing out on a first by 2.6 per cent but came on leaps and bounds as a post-grad. I’ve since had to train myself up with post modernism in order to avoid the mistakes usually made with regards to chess history. The good news is I have a deeply obssessive mind and know that if you can channel your thoughts in play you are provided with a massive engine for them. I am an educator and have been in education all my adult life. With so much to learn from the history of chess in our county.and how chess has flourished previously. It’s almost certianly the case that I am more equipped to educate those in charge of things much more so than anyone else, as its far easier for me to define how things stand presently as well as explain how things can be improved by describing that most crucial to be learnt from and implemented. Unforunately this may mean nothing more than me just saying my piece rather than inspiring people and prompting them into action, most probably they’ll just interpret it as extra effort they’ve been lumbered with and make no effort whatsoever. This will make me want to give up on them initally but the virute of my deeply obssessive mind will most likely obliterate that to kingdom come and push me on to persist and not stop persisting until they are suitably impressed with my intentions enough. I have very good relations and am not only well-repected for my blog, also described as a historian my county members, something I am uneasy with as I’ll never be able to define myself as one. I’m nothing more than someone who is pretty good at writing, it’s an art form I began practicising when I was 15 and I never stoped. Originality and creativity are what I cherish most of all, nonetheless, I’m nothing too special, except for when I write brilliantly but that’s not the norm, usually I don’t have much to say because I let my desire to write overrule the pronise not to write if I have nothing to say. But then if you don’t write to be read, all you are doing is letting yourself down. Only the history of chess in Befordshire has an intended audience, everything else is for me only. Despite this, I reiterate I am an educator and what began as I hope it could be learned from is moving towards a necessity that must be enforiced. Raise awareness, narrate our history so that it can be applied, deliniate the decline we are undergoing and demand action. I am more than capapable of achieving that -it’s a piece of piss you could say. Let’s move on from intentionality.

A likely consequence to all this, if I can make it happen, is to return home and become president of my club and county, then it will become my job to put a rocket up the arse of those shanghied into doing what I tell them to do when I tell them to do it. Far too proud of my working class beginnings to do it any other way. I know I can give it my best shot and remain satisfied that I did even if I fail to achieve what I set out to accomplish. Why’s that. Because Greek philosophy has stayed with me all my life, I know how important Socrates being told know thyself by the oracle of Delphi but should you buy into that and want to give it a shot, I’m sorry to tell you it’s a life-long task that is much, much harder than you might think. You have, in fact absolutely no fucking chance whatsoever unless you’ve also got a deeply obssessive mind like me. I know what I idealise and like Tennyson said in. In Memoriam, ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than never have loved before.’ And the most we are ever capable of is to try our best but as we all know nothing often come of that. Nothing to go mental over if I fail, something superceded by the the concession that learing is a life long process. and we can always move on lamenting that doing my best just wasn’t good enough, remembering to alter your opinions of those who did fuck all to help, redefining them as useless bastards I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire.

I don’t need you to wish me luck, if I can make it happen, most likely I will succeed.

Mark. J. McCready

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Welcome to the third floor

Posted in My own warped humour on October 6, 2023| Leave a Comment »

The big question on everyone’s lips in the chess world these days is ‘What can chess players get from glue sniffers’ right?

To answer this, let’s look at the first line in the chorus of the song 3rd floor by the American thrash outfit Death Angel. ‘Welcome to the third floor, it’s a one-way trip then they lock the door’.

Take a look at this fellow:

Further discussion of this (I am an amused contributor) can be found here:

https://aseannow.com/topic/1308309-glue-sniffing-homeless-man-falls-from-third-floor-of-building-and-breaks-his-arm-in-pattaya/#comment-18394741

I asked there, which is the best floor in a hotel to sniff glue on, similarly, which floor of a building is the best floor to play chess on? To some degree this depends on whether you want to sniff some glue whilst playing and how high you want to go. Unfortunately FIDE has not presented us with any statistics on what percentage of chess players are glue sniffers, although the word on the street is approximately 70%. If true, then the safest floor must be the ground floor…not the third floor because (on the glue) it’s a one-way trip! If not true how high up do you want to be when you play chess? Top floor maybe? Whatever your answer may be, if you like to sniff glue whilst playing chess, I recommend you play chess on the ground floor!

MJM

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An unimpressed Dracula

Posted in My own warped humour on October 3, 2023| Leave a Comment »

Where do cross-dressers go to play chess?

Trans-ylvania.

Yes, that’s all for now folks.

Mark

A drunken me and On, Winter 2017.

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The backstabber

Posted in My own warped humour on July 29, 2023| Leave a Comment »

Don’t ask me why but I went and did it last night. Played two 5 minute games on line. How did I allow this to happen? Is it because I am human filth? Probably.

An elation and some cider around 9pm last night put me in the mood for some chess. When it was done I punched myself in the face hard. I then ran onto the streets and tipped some bins over whilst screaming my head off. I returned and had a cold shower with my clothes on.

Today, to discourage myself further from more misadventure, I shall strip off in the street and throw one of my shoes in the sea. This evening, I shall sleep rough on the street. No blanket. No cider.

There can be no more of this online chess business. Remain banished it must. Should there be another incident like last night’s, I shall set fire to myself on the roof. And that’s that.

Comment from fan of site ‘er, ‘as ‘ee gone off online chess then?’

Reply from owner of site (me) ‘you ask anymore questions like that and I’ll smash your bloody face in!’

Comment from Webmaster ‘What’s he got so fired up about this time?’

Reply from owner of site (me) ‘Right! That’s it, you’re both dead.’

Comment from CEO of WordPress ‘Hey, stop using our platform to post content about chess that lacks decorum.’

Reply from owner of site (me) ‘You slag. You just wait. I’ll do you an ‘all.‘

MJM

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On a trip

Posted in My own endeavours, My own warped humour on May 14, 2023| Leave a Comment »

I am on a trip. I am on a train. A train to downtown. Food. Water. Trips. Then it be chess but when I don’t know. No when. No alcohol. Progress. Much of it. Boredom. Much. One trip leads to another. Boredom dissipates and then there is another trip. What a day tripper this chess player is. And handsome also. Yes very.

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Tongue in cheek chat

Posted in Humour, My own warped humour on April 18, 2023| Leave a Comment »

As you’ve noticed, I do have a sense of humour and like to mess about. As you can see below.

It could all be true right? 🙂

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Testing the water

Posted in My own warped humour on April 15, 2023| Leave a Comment »

Perhaps, just perhaps, I am a little too playful at times but I do like to break boundaries… .

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