Posted on the English Chess Forum, GM Jan Gustaffson, with a 12 minute clever rant over the recent Sinquefield Cup and modern chess in general, has had us chuckling. Light-hearted and inoffensive, I suspect it is worth a peak… .

“The analogy between the artist and the child is that both live in a world of their own making.”

Anias Nin – Diary 1945

Which number comes next in the following sequence? 93, 63, 23, 2 ? Zero perhaps? (if zero is a number that is)

In August 93 Luton Chess club had 63 members, that was 23 years ago and now only 2 members remain active, leaving the club, now without its long-term home, on the verge of collapse.

What has happened to all those disappearing club members? The town itself has increased by more than 30,000 since and is now more ethnically diverse than ever yet the chess club has all but vanished. It is a mystery indeed.

Am I only one who thinks that the club’s chess sets should be sent to a laboratory and tested for flesh-eating bacteria or does anyone have a better theory regarding the gradual disappearance of its members?

phpeVqe8x

9501817-biologist-looking-through-a-microscope-in-a-research-lab

4142013superglue400

Are you at risk?

 

I decided last year to stop playing at the ICCF for the simple reason that far too many players use computers either to find their moves or as a blunder checker. If you go to their site you will see that there is nothing in the rules to prevent this as controlling it is practically impossible. I really don’t see the point in paying to enter a tournament only to use computers but whatever…. . Some players, who don’t use computers, also show bad etiquette with slow-play when they lose interest in the game from falling behind in it.

It took almost one year to defeat a certain cheeky Scottish chappie who sent the message “well-played” upon his resignation in our game. With the tournament waiting an eternity for our game to finish, I no longer have any games to play and have cancelled my account with them, having found their on-line ‘support’ not very supportive also. Anyway, my opponent steadily fell behind in the game only commit a mistake which would put him into an endgame which he could not save. Let’s pick up the game late on.

35. Qa7 Rf8 have just been played. What should white play next?

3

 

Scroll down slowly for the answer.

 

 

Keep scrolling.

 

 

 

Nothing to see just yet.

 

 

Okay, the cheeky Scottish chappie I had the pleasure of beating played the mistaken 35. … Rf8. White can simply play 36 Rxf7 with a winning endgame to come.

2

47. f6 Resigns.

My moment of freedom from the ICCF -hurrah!

My Bedfordshire playing partners, if you missed out on the months of work that culminated in Our Clash of Future Champions https://mccreadyandchess.com/2016/02/12/our-clash-of-future-champions/…well there it is again. In it I argued that William Ward (of London) as he was known, grew up in Bedfordshire and retained some connection, however slight, with his home town Luton and its, then, thriving chess scene throughout his career probably being the strongest player to have lived in and played for Luton still to this day.

He is the only player with a Bedfordshire connection that can be found in the EDO historical ratings website. Further details concerning his approximated strength and achievements can be found here: http://www.edochess.ca/players/p562.html.

 

Ever wanted to make your own set? Just follow the 20 million or so simple steps in this video. The knight was particularly fascinating I thought.

Ever wanted to make your own board? Great viewing once again, such skill and craftsmanship on show. A few million less simple steps to follow here I think.

Have a look at the position below. The players were two of the strongest from the 70s, Korchnoi and former world champion Petrosian. I think we can agree that black has gone wrong already, see if you can decide who plays which colour and how the game proceeded, it is white to play. I have linked the game below. The sense it left me with was how the world’s No. 2 could play like that. Unconvincing stuff indeed considering the status of the players.

37775_454543663486_8138647_n

After 21. …Qc7. What does white play and how should he proceed?

http://www.chessgames.com/perl/chessgame?gid=1082415

Turner Hall, Newmarket, voted as the world’s most exciting and glamorous chess venue for more than a decade now, where the East Anglian Chess Union meet to battle it out over the board may no longer remain its adopted home. Newmarket’s most influential council members are said to be unhappy with the chess teams who, long since accustomed to finding the middle of nowhere, visit their provincial little town only to shun its new-found pride of itself, however meretricious it may be. A disgruntled council member put forward recently that ‘perhaps they find somewhere else to play their stupid little games’, instantly seconded, whence consternation ensued within the EACU thereafter.

When asked why, a senior council member said:

Although we exude a much greater degree of cultural demise than just about any other town in the nation, courtesy of our long history of horse racing and the generations of aristocracy that chose their country retreats with us, from whom we gained such notoriety, we’ve nonetheless drawn in massive investment turning Newmarket into Suffolk’s sleaziest playground; the high street stacked oh-so-high with strip clubs, gentlemen’s clubs, lap dancing clubs, a casino, adult stores aplenty, vastly superior to all others across the nation; where else can you find thousands of second-hand jazz mags that never have pages stuck together in England? There’s loads and loads of boozers for the lads bursting with testosterone…yeah, yeah okay, okay during the day it still carries centuries of lifelessness that only the poets of yesteryear could find value in and the author of this post always found its horror inescapable but when the sun goes down, Newmarket is a den of iniquity that resonates across the county to other really happening places like Stowmarket.

But these bloody chess players are something else. All they ever do is turn up, play their silly little games and go home. They never speak to anyone in the town, do anything or go anywhere. I’ve never come across such a bunch of anti-social buggers before in all my life, the lack of deference to the development of the town is staggering…shocking really, and they’ve been like it for years! What’s the point in them coming here? Just to play chess? There’s a bit more to life than that I can tell you.

The last time I went to that Turner Hall when they were there it was like walking into a funeral or something. All we want is for people to come to Newmarket and enjoy what its got to offer not turn up and then turn their back on the place only to then bugger off home. Our proposals are, if they want to use the Turner Hall in future, then we’ll either increase the fees but give them tickets to one of the many gentlemen’s clubs in and around the town, or in the break they have between their games we’ll get some strippers down there with a few naked mud wrestling shows and the likes.

Punters come here to spend and party now, not play boring board games all day long. Such anti-socialism could give the town a bad image, never mind those 1980’s style packed lunches you see them with. Newmarket is on the up…albeit in the most degenerate manner imaginable, but we just want to see these chess gents to get into the spirit of it all, that’s all. Degeneration and its over-expenditure…or vice-versa is the name of the game in modern day England -forget culture there’s no dosh in that.

 

The images below are only an indication of what chess players should expect to see in Turner Hall from next season the glittering array of single mums on the dole dancers provided may be of vastly inferior quality, and regretfully, an agreement not to off load us with a bunch of mingers could not be reached after I was informed that they didn’t have much else. When asked for my opinion, being as diplomatic as I could be, I suggested that such a dramatic uncultured development may cause unrest amongst more senior members.

After years of drab county matches, all players may expect the following between breaks during matches at Turner Hall, Newmarket. Home to Suffolk’s greatest ever tourist explosion.

99530002

Don’t get too excited now!

mud-wrestling

Heffalumps take note: nothing to see here.

download

Is it Hollywood? No. Is it Heaven? No. Is it Newmarket, Suffolk? Yes. Is it (yet) another example of degenerate modern-day England? No comment.

541109_1e20335e

Stowmarket. Another really happening Suffolk town.

 

Sometimes Grand masters do strange things. They can make very basic errors that even a beginner wouldn’t make, which can be very difficult to understand. The reasons will differ according to the position and most relevant factors in the game but often they think too deeply or focus only on deep strategical concepts and then miss something very simple or play a move that looks so bad defeat will surely soon follow.

For example the following game recently played between Popiliski rated a mere 2542, probably able to make it into the top 300 if he played for Bedfordshire…well maybe, and the more well-known Gata Kamsky, rated a mere 2660 but far more respected whilst middle-aged than in his youth courtesy of his over-zealous father. The game has just started and Kamsky, with his decades of experience plays a move that made me laugh when I saw it. On Twitter Chess24 described it as ‘not one of his better moves’. Well I’ve never had any interest in any his games but I suspect they may well be right there. Amusement lies ahead, anyone who can offer any explanation will be applauded.

qw

7. …Ng8 was now played. The distinction between the professional and the amateur player is somewhat artificial as no one knows very much about chess. Some know a bit more than others, that’s all. White has just played 7. e5, which in my limited understanding of the Sicilian is one of white’s trump cards if he can get it in, will generally have the better game. Something looks wrong before black plays his next move, that being the wild (ly perplexing) 7. …Ng8. One of those’too amusing for analysis moves ‘perhaps? Is moving to h5 so bad? I suppose one advantage of the move played was that it must have gained Kamsky a good hour plus on the clock as I’m sure it took quite some time for his opponent to believe what he was seeing.

You can find the game here, https://chess24.com/en/watch/live-tournaments/calgary-international-2016/7/1/2 unsurprisingly a massacre soon ensues.

My fellow county players, I have some truly fantastic news, the current FIDE President Kirsin Ilyumzhinov has agreed to allow Bedfordshire to participate in the upcoming Olympiad in Baku. Without doubt the most prestigious invitation Bedfordshire has ever received in its long history and one can only imagine the excitement the opportunity will be seized by. Four main players are required and two substitutes. This will be decided at a meeting to be announced shortly, let us hope as playing partners and long term friends it is conducted in a gentlemanly manner and doesn’t descend into an almighty scrum. Bedfordshire’s most senior members will soon be sent all the info including flight details, hotel bookings and so on.

Regarding the current FIDE President, I’ve been calling him all year to try and persuade him to allow Bedfordshire to play in the upcoming Olympiad as well as all future Olympiads. The essential part of the conversation went as follows:

M =Me

K= Kirsin

M ‘Alright, is that Kirsin?’

K ‘Yes, and who is this?’

M ‘It’s Mark.’

K ‘Oh, you again, (long pause) and what are you calling for this time as if I didn’t know?’

M ‘Hmm, well, as I explained in the e-mail I kept sending. The Olympiads these days are an absolute joke. Half the countries that enter aren’t even proper countries, like Aruba, Chinese Taipei, Guernsey, Jersey, and Andorra to name but a few, and in addition some of the countries participating are the most unpleasant places on the planet, like Iraq, Yemen, Nicaragua, to name but a few. Bedfordshire has got much more going for it than that lot so can you let us in or what?’

K ‘Mark, the problem is that Bedfordshire is far too strong to enter the Olympiad and we fear its participation will make a complete mockery of the whole event. It is abundantly clear that every team you play will be beaten 4-0. Under no circumstances whatsoever can I have ex-world champions and hordes of 2700+ players knocking on my office door demanding to know how they have been beaten by an unknown county player. This will cause complete chaos and undermine the entire event which will probably have to be abandoned as a result. It is, of course, the chess world’s worst kept secret that Bedfordshire was far stronger than the Soviet Union in its heyday. Even when Botvinnik’s train briefly stopped in Luton whilst en route to Nottingham in 1936, he confessed it was the only time in his life he was too terrified to play chess after a local gentleman entered his carriage with a chess set in hand, being aware of the fearsome reputation Bedfordshire had across the entire globe. When the offer finally came an hour or so into the journey Botvinnik, more relaxed, insisted that he would only play if given odds of a queen. The gentlemen from Luton obliged but was a well known figure of its thriving chess community and played on board 2 for the Luton ‘Z’ team. Naturally it was not long before Botvinnik resigned.

K ‘Given the abundance of talent you’ve always kept so well hidden to all except us of course, we will give you two choices: the first that your Bedfordshire players agree to play all matches blindfold and that their opponents’ moves are not announced during play to them, no questions concerning play can be asked or will be answered, your team members must simply guess what has been played before making their next move. Alternatively, you deliberately lose all matches against established nations but you can beat all the weak ones that no one cares about. We suggest this second option and expect you will take it.

The FIDE president then continued:

K ‘If Bedfordshire annihilates the entire chess world at the Baku Olympiad it might be annihilated in return…it could be that upon the victorious Bedfordshire team’s return a simultaneous display of atomic bombs may just happen to land on Milton Keynes Chess Club, Bedford Chess Club, Leighton Buzzard Chess Club and Northampton Chess Club, erm, but perhaps not Luton, after all, we don’t want to improve its appearance!

Those players who wish to form a team for Baku please sign up below. In doing so you express agreement with the following statement:

‘If I represent Bedfordshire at the Olympiad I promise not to constantly thrash super Grand masters or wallop ex-world champions with ease. Also, I don’t want to be killed or anything like that so I won’t say anything bad about Azerbaijan or anything nice about Armenia as well. I accept full responsibility for any atomic bombs landing on my chess club as a result of my over-performance at the board and promise to rebuild any chess club entirely obliterated with my own hands as a result. With the greatest of enthusiasm I will sign up below.’

Name?

Club?

Rating?

Colour Preference (if any)?

Ability to deliberately lose to 2800 & 2700 players?

If none, previous experience surviving atomic blastings?

Inside leg measurement?

Hat size?

The air speed velocity of an unladen swallow (African and European)?

baki_oilfields2

Bedfordshire or Baku?

fat-man-model

An Atomic Bomb

Swallow

African or European?

The dullest game I ever played was against a young N. Pert at the Hitchin Open in 1991 rated 144 at the time I think. After a ponderous beginning, a forcing line in the 3. …c5 line of the French Tarrasch quickly centered around the elimination of the black IQP. Pert managed to exchange it off but drew everything else on the board into the action and created an almighty exchange-fest in a turbo-charged two seconds, leaving a completely symmetrical king and pawn ending, that could not have looked anymore drawn. I still remember the brief eye contact we exchanged after the game -a true wtf? moment we both acknowledged. An on-looker, who called himself ‘supra-super multi-ball Marvin’ a self-proclaimed pinball champion said at his best he can handle 18 balls even with his eyes closed but the pace the pawns and pieces came off the board during the game was far beyond his capability. Whilst standing side by side taking a piss together in the bog he asked me if I had super natural powers whilst breathing in some of the steam I released at the urinals, wanting to know how I could capture minor pieces with such speed without them.

By far the most pointless game I ever played, I always laughed at the breakneck speed it suddenly ended in the most dead drawn position imaginable -it was impossible not to laugh at it. We both played to win, a truism no chess player alive could ever be convinced of if they were able to play through the game -hopefully long since lost by both players.

More recently, I’m informed that Ncholas Pert inadvertently entered the Guinness Book of Records during his handling of the Caro-Kann against Peter Batchelor when over half a million chess computers around the world were blown up by the obscurity of the line he chose and position he reached on move 11. I’m sure once you’ve had a look yourself you’ll understand why.

1

Last moves were 11. Ngf3 Bd6

What on earth has white achieved here? GM N. Pert showing that as an adult the wtf? play which I noted when he was a child is in evidence still. I suspect white’s moves freaked out our gadgets so much, malfunction was inevitable.