Archive for the ‘My own warped humour’ Category

If you were playing competitive chess and then in the opening you are contacted by spirits, they tell you about your game and expected moves but everything they say is false and doesn’t happen, would you smash the clock up if it carried on? A professional player would smash that clock up but an amateur might just get up and walk around. If it were me and I was being told of moves that never happen again and again, I’d smash the clock up yes. Yes I would because they might go away then. But I would have to go to the bar first and get lagered up real fast, then you could really smash that clock up.

Tune in again for more professional advice.

MJM 2.47am

August 2nd.

A dark room in the capital

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Well here we have someone who went and won the lottery. He got the right numbers and got rich out of it but then got himself killed after celebrating.

https://www.77kaoded.com/news/boonchoo-poungmala/2306532

I think we should avoid the lottery and stick to chess. You are less likely to get killed in chess or go on the rampage either.

Stick with chess, that’s my advice. Avoid lotteries, they can’t help your chess and could affect your opening repertoire…possibly?

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I feel I should post this even though it’s not quite chess related. We can learn from this and apply it to our chess I think.

So, imagine you are at a shrine, and there spirits from the after world contact you. They give you lottery numbers, and so off you go investing time and money on the lottery. But those spirits went and gave you the wrong numbers and made you lose. What would you do then? Would you just forget about it or would you return to the shrine and smash it up? The spirits there gave you the wrong lottery numbers, and so to get revenge, you should smash their shrine up right? Well one guy did and you can read about it here: https://www.77kaoded.com/news/diawkongsin/2318069

This story is very important for our chess development even though playing the lottery is a lot different to playing chess. If we are playing chess and are contacted by spirits, should we trust them and listen to them? They might stitch us up and get us to play bad moves? Okay, its highly unlikely this has ever happened in chess but that shouldn’t stop us from coming up with a plan. If we blunder during a game, should we go and smash a shrine up then? When should we start or stop smashing things up? I think this guy in the story could have been a Grand Master. His logic and calculation skills are right up there.

And so to end, the moral of the story is, to develop further as a chess player we should develop a sixth sense on when it’s okay, or not okay, to smash up a shrine. This is a very important chess skill.

Mark. J. McCready (thinking he is funny again)

11.38 am on Monday August first,

Laksi, BKK

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Dear Ken, the agony uncle to write to if you need advice.

Brian, Leighton Buzzard Hello Ken and thanks for having me on. Ken we’ve got a situation with one of the D team players. We think we know what it is but are unsure of what to do about it.

One of the D team players keeps getting up from the board, going into the car park, meeting someone in a car, handing them small plastic bags of something and collecting money. He does this about 20 times each match but it only takes him a minute or two, so he doesn’t get into time trouble but his behaviour is so suspicious. We think he’s selling drugs during the match but we can’t prove it. What do we say to him and what do we do if he is?

KEN: oh yes, so he’s making a bit on the side by palming off some pharmaceuticals to a few go-likelies. Well, clearly you should go out to the car park when he does and buy some off him too. Might make you enjoy your game a bit more, and if he’s selling uppers it might improve your game a lot, as you can calculate much faster on that stuff -trust me I know from experience.

Brian, Leighton Buzzard, you are saying we should be going on the drugs on match nights?

KEN: yeah why not?

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Dear Ken, the agony uncle for those chess players in need of advice.

James, Northampton hello Ken and thank you for publishing my letter. It’s about something that happened at our club. One of our members is gay and very flirtatious. In recent months he’s been accused of following club members about and sexually harassing them. We had a meeting and agreed to ask him to stop. Anyway, it didn’t and on one evening he tried to molest one of the pensioners who plays for us. When the club secretary went to speak to him, he pulled out a knife and stabbed him. He then ran off. We learn that he’s joined the Rushden club and is behaving in the same manner. Should we warn them of him or get him banned?

KEN: this geezer sounds like a right shister but the solution is simple. On a match night, make sure you get a good few pints in, get yourself lagered up. Then drive over to this Rushton club and stab him back! If he tries it on, batter the bastard. Don’t get the old bill involved for fuck’s sake. Just, erm, go over there pissed up and knife him.

James, Northampton But Ken, we could kill him?

KEN: you won’t kill him unless you hit vital or non vital organs. Just put a blade in his back and get him put on the sex offenders register.

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The agony uncle column for chess players in need of advice.

Richard, Cranfield. Hello Ken something happened last week which we can’t allow to happen again, please help!

We had a match against Luton on their turf. Near the end of the match a player stopped his clock and agreed to a draw. His opponent said he hadn’t offered one and so they had to play on. It got out of hand. A massive punch up soon occurred accusations of ‘cheat’ screamed and shouted and chairs were thrown. The police had to be called but our player was so fired up when they entered the playing hall he took a swing at a few officers. Before he left the hall our player had a cut above the eye where he got hit by a chair but presently he is in hospital with 6 broken ribs, a broken ankle, multiple lacerations, a broken arm, several contusions, a broken jaw, 6 missing teeth and a broken nose, injuries he sustained after he slipped on the kerb outside the playing hall, according to the police report. Luton is a rough place and we don’t want to play there again, what should we do?

KEN: listen, just turn up there tooled up next time and don’t get the police involved for fuck’s sake. If he didn’t offer a draw, then his opponent had no right to stop the clocks. The match should be replayed but go there tooled up and flash your merchandise when you arrive, so they know it won’t be easy to have a go. Stanley knives, screwdrivers, claw hammers, you can buy them in any hardware store.

Richard, Cranfield, so we should be more prepared for Luton aggro and well armed to deal with any out of hand nonsense?

KEN: yes.

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In order to promote chess, I have started a petition which I will send to the government. Please sign and return.

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Soon to be hot shit off the press ‘Forgotten Secrets of Very Mysterious Openings’ by M.J.McCready, on the shelves after I recently secured a publisher. As you can tell from the title, it’s very much of the ilk for the genre of chess theory so I should make a tidy sum? Details of the publisher can be found below.

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