Archive for the ‘My own warped humour’ Category

Dubious gamesmanship in play there

Posted in Humour, My own warped humour, On-line journal on August 1, 2022| Leave a Comment »

I feel I should post this even though it’s not quite chess related. We can learn from this and apply it to our chess I think.

So, imagine you are at a shrine, and there spirits from the after world contact you. They give you lottery numbers, and so off you go investing time and money on the lottery. But those spirits went and gave you the wrong numbers and made you lose. What would you do then? Would you just forget about it or would you return to the shrine and smash it up? The spirits there gave you the wrong lottery numbers, and so to get revenge, you should smash their shrine up right? Well one guy did and you can read about it here: https://www.77kaoded.com/news/diawkongsin/2318069

This story is very important for our chess development even though playing the lottery is a lot different to playing chess. If we are playing chess and are contacted by spirits, should we trust them and listen to them? They might stitch us up and get us to play bad moves? Okay, its highly unlikely this has ever happened in chess but that shouldn’t stop us from coming up with a plan. If we blunder during a game, should we go and smash a shrine up then? When should we start or stop smashing things up? I think this guy in the story could have been a Grand Master. His logic and calculation skills are right up there.

And so to end, the moral of the story is, to develop further as a chess player we should develop a sixth sense on when it’s okay, or not okay, to smash up a shrine. This is a very important chess skill.

Mark. J. McCready (thinking he is funny again)

11.38 am on Monday August first,

Laksi, BKK

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Dear Ken 4

Posted in Dear Ken, My own warped humour, On-line journal on July 8, 2022| Leave a Comment »

Dear Ken, the agony uncle to write to if you need advice.

Brian, Leighton Buzzard Hello Ken and thanks for having me on. Ken we’ve got a situation with one of the D team players. We think we know what it is but are unsure of what to do about it.

One of the D team players keeps getting up from the board, going into the car park, meeting someone in a car, handing them small plastic bags of something and collecting money. He does this about 20 times each match but it only takes him a minute or two, so he doesn’t get into time trouble but his behaviour is so suspicious. We think he’s selling drugs during the match but we can’t prove it. What do we say to him and what do we do if he is?

KEN: oh yes, so he’s making a bit on the side by palming off some pharmaceuticals to a few go-likelies. Well, clearly you should go out to the car park when he does and buy some off him too. Might make you enjoy your game a bit more, and if he’s selling uppers it might improve your game a lot, as you can calculate much faster on that stuff -trust me I know from experience.

Brian, Leighton Buzzard, you are saying we should be going on the drugs on match nights?

KEN: yeah why not?

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Dear Ken 3

Posted in My own warped humour on July 8, 2022| Leave a Comment »

Dear Ken, the agony uncle for those chess players in need of advice.

James, Northampton hello Ken and thank you for publishing my letter. It’s about something that happened at our club. One of our members is gay and very flirtatious. In recent months he’s been accused of following club members about and sexually harassing them. We had a meeting and agreed to ask him to stop. Anyway, it didn’t and on one evening he tried to molest one of the pensioners who plays for us. When the club secretary went to speak to him, he pulled out a knife and stabbed him. He then ran off. We learn that he’s joined the Rushden club and is behaving in the same manner. Should we warn them of him or get him banned?

KEN: this geezer sounds like a right shister but the solution is simple. On a match night, make sure you get a good few pints in, get yourself lagered up. Then drive over to this Rushton club and stab him back! If he tries it on, batter the bastard. Don’t get the old bill involved for fuck’s sake. Just, erm, go over there pissed up and knife him.

James, Northampton But Ken, we could kill him?

KEN: you won’t kill him unless you hit vital or non vital organs. Just put a blade in his back and get him put on the sex offenders register.

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Dear Ken 2

Posted in My own warped humour on July 8, 2022| Leave a Comment »

The agony uncle column for chess players in need of advice.

Richard, Cranfield. Hello Ken something happened last week which we can’t allow to happen again, please help!

We had a match against Luton on their turf. Near the end of the match a player stopped his clock and agreed to a draw. His opponent said he hadn’t offered one and so they had to play on. It got out of hand. A massive punch up soon occurred accusations of ‘cheat’ screamed and shouted and chairs were thrown. The police had to be called but our player was so fired up when they entered the playing hall he took a swing at a few officers. Before he left the hall our player had a cut above the eye where he got hit by a chair but presently he is in hospital with 6 broken ribs, a broken ankle, multiple lacerations, a broken arm, several contusions, a broken jaw, 6 missing teeth and a broken nose, injuries he sustained after he slipped on the kerb outside the playing hall, according to the police report. Luton is a rough place and we don’t want to play there again, what should we do?

KEN: listen, just turn up there tooled up next time and don’t get the police involved for fuck’s sake. If he didn’t offer a draw, then his opponent had no right to stop the clocks. The match should be replayed but go there tooled up and flash your merchandise when you arrive, so they know it won’t be easy to have a go. Stanley knives, screwdrivers, claw hammers, you can buy them in any hardware store.

Richard, Cranfield, so we should be more prepared for Luton aggro and well armed to deal with any out of hand nonsense?

KEN: yes.

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He could have chosen chess instead

Posted in My own warped humour on January 24, 2021| Leave a Comment »

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A dream

Posted in My own warped humour, Viz inspired material on January 14, 2021| Leave a Comment »

In order to promote chess, I have started a petition which I will send to the government. Please sign and return.

i-believe-that-people-who-donDownload

← Back

Thank you for your response. ✨

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When it’s cool for cats it’s…?

Posted in Life beyond the chess board, My own warped humour on January 1, 2021| Leave a Comment »

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Forthcoming Publication

Posted in Humour, My own warped humour, Viz inspired material on December 27, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Soon to be hot shit off the press ‘Forgotten Secrets of Very Mysterious Openings’ by M.J.McCready, on the shelves after I recently secured a publisher. As you can tell from the title, it’s very much of the ilk for the genre of chess theory so I should make a tidy sum? Details of the publisher can be found below.

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Substitutions so very English

Posted in My own warped humour, On-line journal on November 8, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Titles have a function, hence the reason they exist but for those of us more subversive than most, can we play with them?

BM is for Bad Master (in honour of ex-Luton G.H.Diggle), in terms of style BM means battymanesque (ex Luton moi)

CM not Candidate Master but Complete Muppet

FM Not FIDE Master but Faint-hearted mobster

IM not International Master but Ill-mannered madman

GM not Grand Master but Gay minion

SGM not Super Grand Master but Scary gruesome monster

And finally

IA not International Arbiter but Incompetent arsehole

Right, it’s gone 1 am and I’m off to Bedfordshire.

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Clarity

Posted in Humour, My own warped humour, Viz inspired material on March 12, 2020| Leave a Comment »

You may have noticed I recently deleted two posts documenting the rivalry between clubs in the Bedfordshire League in the late 70s and early 80s. 54 emails later and additional help has clarified what contributor Nick McBride told me. I’m now in a position to tackle the issue courtesy of the additional contact second contact -who shall remain nameless.

I am not naming names nor naming clubs. All I will do is list the clubs and list the tactics employed. You can decide which club did what if you don’t already know. It should give you an overview of what a difficult league the Beds. Chess league once was back when punk was trendy, strikes were nationwide and mods hated rockers. Okay, clubs first:

  1. Vauxhall
  2. Luton
  3. Kents
  4. Scion
  5. B.M.S
  6. Bedford
  7. Leighton Buzzard
  8. Dunstable
  9. Milton Keynes
  10. Northampton

I shall now list the tactics employed. you can decide the answers yourself.

  1. Brought a sub for every match who’s real job was to sneak out and let down all the tires on all cars for the opposing teams.
  2. Chanted loudly outside the premise ‘hit him on the head, hit him on the head, hit him on the head with a baseball bat oh yeah’, and would then enter swinging baseball bats about.
  3. Threatened to firebomb their portacabin during the match if they didn’t let us win every time.
  4. Would announce three Siberian Women Grandmasters were joining their team tonight if they had made their connecting flight. But instead three prostitutes would turn up and lose their games quickly but wait to leave together with the three male members.
  5. Would bang down clocks with fists, standing up to do it, then start delivering quotes from ‘Rocky’, usually about ‘bustin’ ass’ whilst shadow boxing in front of his opponent.
  6. Would hit your neck with paper aeroplanes or scrunched paper balls which flew around the playing venue every few minutes or so. Occasionally your ear was pinged by an elastic band moving at high speed.
  7. Put in a very heavy drinking session before the match began then all sang the same songs in the opening, and always out of synch and badly sung, sometimes with some air guitar also.
  8. Smashed a car window every time a player from their team lost and spray painted opening suggestions on opposing team members cars.
  9. Brought in Karate experts from the hall next door to point out which boards we were losing on and persuade him to chop the board in half to get the game cancelled.
  10. Smoked copious amounts of marijuana during matches and stunk out the place knowing opponents would become so fed up they would resign and leave.

Okay that is as far as I go with this. I’d prefer to portray my own chess league in a more positive light since I am so proud of it but if these things went on and two witnesses are assuring me of it, well I have to go with it. I’ve known them both for thirty years, they are both honest men so who am I to say none of this can be true. Once again, I’m not naming names and will not do so if asked. The more established members of the Beds chess league will know the answers anyway…

That’s all for now. I prefer to promote not discourage so please bear in mind, the content above didn’t go past 1986. You won’t see any such business like that nowadays. It’s all safe and sound. If there’s any funny business going on just message me about it and I’ll fly in and start kicking some arse.

Do enjoy your evening.

Mark

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